Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in happenstance8's LiveJournal:

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Monday, July 30th, 2007
4:58 am	"Letting Go of God" by Julia Sweeney "... as I was walking from my office in my backyard into my house, I realized there was this little teeny-weenie voice whispering in my head. I'm not sure how long it had been there, but it suddenly got just one decibel louder. It whispered, 'There is no god.'     And I tried to ignore it. But it got a teeny bit louder. 'There is no god. There is no god. Oh my god, there is no god.' ...     And I shuddered. I felt I was slipping off the raft.     And then I thought, 'But I can't. I don't know if I can not believe in God. I need God. I mean, we have a history.' ...     'But I don't know how to not believe in God. I don't know how you do it. How do you get up, how do you get through the day?' I felt unbalanced...     I thought, 'Okay, calm down. Let's just try on the not-believing-in-God glasses for a moment, just for a second. Just put on the no-God glasses and take a quick look around and then immediately throw them off.' And I put them on and I looked around.     I'm embarassed to report that I initially felt dizzy. I actually had the thought, 'Well, how does the Earth stay up in the sky? You mean, we're just hurtling through space? That's so vulnerable!' I wanted to run out and catch the earth as it fell out of space into my hands.     And then I remembered, 'Oh yeah, gravity and angular momentum is gonna keep us revolving around the sun for probably a long, long time.' ...     My first call from my mother was more of a scream. 'Atheist? ATHEIST?!?!'     My dad called and said, 'You have betrayed your family, your school, and your city.' It was like I had sold secrets to the Russians. They both said they weren't going to talk to me any more. My dad said, 'I don't even want you to come to my funeral.' After I hung up, I thought, 'Just try and stop me.' ...     I think that my parents had been mildly dissapointed when I'd said I didn't believe in God any more, but being an atheist was another thing altogether." Julia Sweeney writes an extremely accurate account of what it's like to become an atheist in this passage... not just the little voice in your head, though that is exactly what it was like for me. See, I went to see my dad and his wife this past weekend... and though they've long known that I didn't believe in god anymore... well, calling myself an atheist was, in fact, another thing altogether. It was pretty alienating to feel the last bit of my family that i thought still fit the "unconditionally-accepting" bill slip through into another category. On the other hand, you haven't really lived until you've witnessed a good, christian woman trying to sell agnosticism as a virtuous faith position. Not that I have any problems with agnosticism, by literal definition, I adhere to it--I can't say with 100% certainty that I know that God does not exist. I am choosing to call myself an atheist because I find it so serevely unlikely.  And it's not even as though I've lost my spirituality--this seemed to comfort Charlisa significantly--I find the universe itself, the magnitude and enormity of the whole of existence, the incomprehensible complexity of science, the manipulation of, and yet adherence to, strict axioms and laws, all the while coming up with everything we have today--the human mind, the eye, the wing, modern medicine, all of these things are miracles to me. (Pardon my creationist terminology, "manipulation," "coming up with," etc. I simply... couldn't find better words, despite acknowledging that the universe itself certainly appears to have no particular intentions.) But even that... that is a debatable issue with me. You could say to me something like, "The universe has intentions. The universe has desires, and one of those desires is for life to exist, and in whatever way it could the universe directed its own evolution such that we are here." and I would say "Interesting. Elaborate." For this reason, I still find pagan faiths to be significantly less ludicrous than Judeo-Christian faiths. In other words, I think that it seems... improbable that the universe experiences some conscious form of thought ... but it certainly could. There is no scientific evidence against it, and it even seems reasonable, considering psychology, that this universal thought could be the vast expanse of knowledge that we're all tapping into when we access the collective unconscious. So there is certainly room for this possibility. (That doesn't grant it automatic truth, but I would at least consider it if you suggested it to me.) However, the idea that a god who had always existed, despite having no creator, sat down and intentionally fiddled some knobs in the universe, fine-tuned the constants and physical laws such that we could exist, and then continued to monitor our lives such that he would know exactly when he needed to step in, break the laws of science, and perform miracles, not to mention all the dribble about listening to prayers, designing human faces, having a great and incomprehensible plan for each person's lives, loving each one of us as his own, sending his son to die for us, etc. is different. It isn't just improbable. It's extremely unlikely. There is almost certainly no Christian god, to borrow a favorite phrase of Dawkins'. For you see, there is room for this hypothesis as well, if only because it is designed to be relatively untestable by science, and that if only because you can always claim "well he's not going to perform a miracle if you're sitting there with your scientific instruments! He knows you don't have faith!" But that room is very, very small, considering the following: If that god created the universe, he himself would have to then have been created, unless he evolved gradually over time based on a set of scientific axioms, (ruling out the possibility that he broke the rules of science miraculously in order to create himself, because that's just ridiculous and you know it) the way we currently think the universe did. In which case, he would be a natural and scientific thing, an existing thing--a thing, most obviously, unable to break the rules of science. Below them, not above them. And if god was created, by whom? Who made that? I am reminded of an old Hindu philosophy that the world was supported on the back of a tortoise. When asked what supported the tortoise, the reply was "It's tortoises, all the way down." So I guess my real logical problem is with the idea that anything could be above the laws of science. I think there is next to no room in a rational worldview for such a thing. And that's the difference in the "Spiritual universe" and the Christian god. The spiritual universe would be a part of science, operating under laws that we don't yet fully understand. The Christian god would be above those laws, breaking them for his own agenda. When I was young, I assumed that God existed because my parents said he did, and they must have had a good reason to believe it, because they were my parents. I remember one day, at some tender age between three and six (I know because I remember the house we lived in) while fully believing that god existed and had created the universe: "Dad, who created god?" My dad, who was (and is) a minister, and a very intelligent, open-minded, and well-educated man, said something to the effect of "I don't know. No one knows. Some people spend their entire lives trying to figure that out." It was the first question of mine I remember him not being able to answer. I like to think that maybe he was impressed that I'd begun asking these questions so early, even if lately our conversations have become a little strained as a result of the direction my inquisitiveness has taken me. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 21st, 2007
11:20 am	So My Guy Gave Me Herpes. Great. I had another strange dream last night, which involved my dad telling me I needed a haircut, to which i vehemently protested, being part of a very unusual commune, to which some hot celebrity visited and photographed, being a contestant on the mole, from which i was fairly quickly executed, and making out with a straight boy, who was offering his services as a consolation for my loss. Also, It involved travelling all over the world, which made me very happy. Out of all the potential lessons I could have gained from this, here's the one I took: I should study abroad. Now the question(s) is/are: Where? How to still graduate in the next million years? When? What to do about living accomodations while I'm gone? Any ideas, my peeps? PS: The title of my post is actually something I heard a girl walking by say a minute ago. I don't have herpes. She does. PPS: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38664 (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 17th, 2007
12:25 pm	The Livejournal Entry of Total Honesty Jenn suggested that I begin posting my xanga stuff on livejournal as well, so I could be crazy happy internet journal friends with she and Katie and Jackie. So here it is: So, I decided that this livejournal entry should be specifically designated for total honesty. Because there are so many things I really really need to say to people that read this blog. But I lost my nerve, just now, typing these words. So there will be no total honesty. No deep insights into how I feel about you or how I feel about your friends or boyfriends or girlfriends or hair or anything. You just don't get to know. I thought about doing that ten person thing, with numbers instead of names so you couldn't be sure... but even then, some of you would know, and god forbid I live without my pretenses. In any case, I tried to go to church today, and failed. Apparently the Wesley foundation isn't actually a church... cause they were closed at 10:50 this morning, when churches are normally quite open. I've checked their website which is never ever updated and I cant seem to figure out when and if they do much of anything at all. Maybe they stopped existing and all that remains is a building and a phone line? So I came home and wrote the first complete set of lyrics I've written since high school. The first good set of lyrics I've written since before I met Kara. It was a wonderful, fulfilling, morbidly depressing experience. I watched Running with Scissors recently, and I have to say I wish I had seen this film (or maybe read the book) much much much earlier... because it taught me a lesson I wish I'd known sooner. Sometimes people are just broken. They're irreparably mean, or angry, or resentful, or man-hating, or unhappiness-seeking, or dramatic, or fucking crazy. And in such a case, you can't do anything about it. So the thing you should do is just get the fuck out of there. Augusten Borroughs was right to move to New York, to leave his crazy-ass mother behind, because when people are train-wrecks like that, the only thing you can do is get the hell out, and you can't worry about them, no matter how much you love them, because there's nothing you can do for them, and you have to survive, too. Yesterday I felt real true happiness, that sort of at-peace, relaxed, safe, content sort of happiness that you know will resonate with you for at least a few moments longer, so you aren't so frightened of its fleeting, for the first time in months. It was gratifying. It's what I've been waiting for. And though I don't feel it at this exact moment, I know I'll probably feel it again, soon, and eventually, I'll see the world through the eyes the rest of you optimistic motherfuckers keep using. Did you know I used to be a flirt, before I met Kara? Yep. A huuuuge fuckin' flirt. I don't even think Kara knew that... I don't guess it ever came up. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007
1:02 am	I know I only post on here when I want to bitch about someone being an asshole, but... damn, you're an asshole. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 7th, 2007
12:07 pm	Omg So. it's been a while, livejournal peoples. Life has changed. Things are harder now. Is it worth it, what I'm doing? I feel trapped, because I am trapped. What's the best course of action? How can I make a decision when I don't have enough relevant information? I mean, emo ambiguity aside, that's an interesting question. How can I make a decision without sufficient relevant information? Do you just, sort of guess? I need more time, more information. None of this adds up. Facebook message me, peoples. I am bored. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 27th, 2006
8:31 pm	I AM SO FREAKING BORED I'm pretty bored. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006
9:14 pm	Tomorrow's Thanksgiving, so no one is here. They all went home. Ashita wa sankusugibingu kara, hitori mo imasen. Kaerimashita. It's lonely here. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
7:39 pm	Physics If you throw a ball into the air with an initial velocity of 2 m/s and it free falls for four seconds, then lands on a frictionless plane inclined at thirty degrees without losing any momentum, and travels for two more seconds, what part of my body can tomorrow night's physics test suck? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006
8:31 am	The Misanthrope Moliere had no idea what misanthropy was about. I feel almost as though, almost as though it's a mental disorder. Can someone be diagnosed with misanthropy? If so, I think I should see a doctor. This trashy bitch with a really skanky-looking monroe piercing called my fiancee a cunt on her xanga yesterday for complaining about Jessica. It's like: Kara: *complains about Jessica on her own xanga* Jessica: *reads xanga even though she was asked not to months ago* Kara: *asks that Jessica not read the xanga anymore because seriously? Months ago.* Jessica's Trashy Friend: HOLY SHIT U R SO DUM I COULD KILL UR ASS U CUNT!!! LETS FITE!!!!!1 Pretty much exactly like that. She brought up a bunch of shit that nobody was even talking about, and acted like she was really cool because she could throw some words around and threaten to beat up some girl she'd never met. In fact, she even said she was pretty sure she'd win. Now, those are pretty big words, but let's consider the evidence: 1) They have never met, so Trashy Friend doesn't have any reason to believe Kara's some wimpy girl, even though she obviously does believe that 2) Kara knows Kung Fu I'm not saying Kara could definitely win, I'm just saying that the assumption was too ill-informed to be valid. Besides that, who thinks that solving disagreements with violence is the best way to do things? That's right. Only people who are trash. I'm not even kidding. Throw this girl to the curb, no one wants her. Society does not want people like this. And it's because there are people like this that I am a misanthrope. At least partially. Because, in some ways, we all have a tendency to act like this poor, pathetic girl. There's a little bitchy white-trash girl in all of us. I know that when people make me mad enough, I fantasize about mudering them and how good it would feel. That's pretty skanky. And everyone does stuff like that. So how can I befriend anyone when I know that deep down, they're just like her? They may show it immediately, like Trashy Friend. Or they may take a year to show it, like Jessica. It may take years and years and years but eventually it will come out. Perhaps we humans are all out to make each other miserable? I don't know. All I know is that I would most definitely be better off if I could be isolated from everyone except Kara for the rest of my life. Because the truth is that I hate all of them. Yes, even you. Unless you're Kara. It may be just a little, and it may not be for any good reason. I could hate you because I feel like I don't know you. Or maybe because I feel like you don't know me. Maybe it's because you've gotten closer to me than I want you to be. Maybe it's because you make me want you closer than you are. But for most people, it's because I know that just like me, deep down inside of you, when you get really mad, you turn into Trashy Friend. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 18th, 2006
12:25 pm	Actually my piercing looks fucking cool. If you're just going to be mean why fucking post? That's such a bitchy, stupid thing to do. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 13th, 2006
8:52 am	BELLY. BUTTON. PEIRCING. http://x79.xanga.com/003a3a503543065227334/s43761063.jpg (Comment on this)
Friday, June 30th, 2006
12:54 pm	I really really really don't want to do my job. I would much rather post on this livejournal. oh wait that is what i am doing (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 15th, 2006
1:08 pm	I AM POSTING A LIVEJOURNAAAAL ENTRYYYY DE DE DE DE DE (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 9th, 2006
9:14 am	FINALS ARE FOR DEATH MAKE TIME (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 30th, 2006
8:51 pm	(1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 17th, 2006
8:03 pm	Good riddance Man, I am not at all sorry to be rid of the people I am now rid of. Just so anyone who may read this will know, I do not refer to Kara. I am very pleased to not be rid of her at all. :) Man, I really have a very intense love of people right now though which is pretty cool. Strange though. I do not, however, have a love of school. Chem test tomorrow about which I am quite distraught. Math teacher today didn't do her job and fucking explain the lesson but the homework is still due tomorrow. ugh. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 13th, 2006
9:28 am	Smileys for today: Civ is cancelled!!! Frownies for today: Everything else. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 28th, 2006
7:09 pm	Today: History Test: 91 Chemistry Test: 99 Lab Grade: 89.5 (second highest grade in the class!) PWNT BITCHES Also, my girlfriend is uber talented. She made a pretty poster and it's soooo cute. And, um... yeah. DEATH CAB IS STILL ON APRIL FOURTH. SO IS EVERY DUE DATE EVER. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 23rd, 2006
9:37 pm	Umm... so... I love pretty much everything, and yet i currently feel quite cynical. Like, I know everyone's going to turn back into an asshole. Actually, I can think of two and a half people who are actually huge assholes still. anyway. Umm... DEATH CAB ON APRIL 4 (Comment on this)
Friday, March 17th, 2006
2:27 pm	La da daaa la da daaa la da da ZAK AND SARA Yeah that's all. (2 Comments |Comment on this)